People who live on Boulder Park (or any of the neighborhood actually): Y’all drive crazy. Slow. Cars not equipped with turn signals. Slow. Distracted by your shiny smart phone. S. L. O. W. Speed up. Get out of the way. Look where you’re going. Leave the phone at home if you’re too tempted. Or maybe the trunk.
Your conversation or texting or Watching Tik Tok is NOT My Problem
Again, lock it in the trunk if you do any of this while you’re driving.
It’s illegal, by the way. What else should be illegal? Pulling out in front of people so they have to stand on their brakes to avoid hitting you. Pulling out in front of people, then going 15 miles per hour, causing mayhem. Other people exist. Let them.
Pickups
God, these are the absolute worst. I haven’t seen a pickup yet operated by some lazy, slow-ass, over-compensating, monkey turd who cannot go faster than 10 miles an hour under the speed limit, who parks using two spaces for his precious (yes, his, it’s always some dude), and just generally is an asshole when he gets in those things. Pickups cause brain freeze. IQ points lower when he enters his pickup (and some of these dudes cannot afford the drop). There are so many pickups on the road that the average penis size in this country must be 2 inches. And of course these days, pickup sizes have doubled. Joke’s on them: Penis size and IQ drop in direct proportion to the size of the truck.
Old People
I’m now old. But I still drive undistracted, know where I’m going, don’t have my cell phone in my hand, and I get out of people’s way. I also don’t drive a pickup. What’s worse than one of us olds driving? One of us olds driving a pickup. This breed of pickup driver hasn’t been in a hurry since 1953 when he backed his big ol’ ass into a radiator during that one winter. If you cannot drive with consideration for others around you who need to get somewhere, then you should forfeit your license. We’re old. So fuckin’ what? It doesn’t entitle us to anything.
Drifters
Ironwood is not a street where you try out drifting in your old weirdly souped-up Asian little car and your skills are shite. It’s also not a place for doing this at 3 a.m. And if I find out who the son-of-a-bitch who drifted into my yard and took out my mailbox a couple of years ago, well, boy, I’d tell him a thing or two. Who tries to drift on a hilly, narrow street in the dark, misses the intersection entirely, and spins a couple of house down the street before impaling the car on a mailbox post? Dumbasses, that’s who.
God.
